PostDoc Discussion Forum

Thank you to anyone whos reading this post. I think it might help to get it all out as no one is my family seems to be understanding what I am going through.
Essentially, I am in the last year of my PhD and my project is in shambles. Part of the problem is that the initial project (I was given a topic) was very badly formulated on some flimsy idea, and I spent a lot of time trying to validate something that does not exist. `Ypu say I have a lot of negative results. Well I should do but the time I spent making reagents for this part of the project resulted in obtaining very few results and they don’t even complete the story. The first 6 months of my PhD are a wasted time. The project is incredibly challenging and it involves quite a challenging technique that is almost beyond my comprehension.

The second and the biggest part of the problem is me. I am stupid and inadequate and so out of the depth of the project, even though it is my last year. And it is not, the imposter syndrome. Some people are really not clever/resilient/competent/ streets smart enough to do a PhD and I am one of those people. For example, I am doing a lot of reading but a) I am having trouble remembering the papers and what questions they have answered b) I cannot critique the papers because I am not clever enough to actually question their methodology/ claims they make c) I really do not connect the dots in my area of research. An example of that was when I didn’t realise that a paper published on the isoform of my protein actually talked about the region of the protein I am investigating. I thought they were completely different bits because it just didn’t occur to me to check it. So I did not apply the finding in that paper to my research, until someone pointed out to me that the mechanism of interaction can be very similar and I should investigate it. It made me feel like a complete idiot that I am. I feel like I am wasting everyone’s time and money (I am fully funded student) and it is just not a place for me. I have no interest in publishing any articles, I just want to survive this last year and do something completely different with my life. The amount of work to in this last year is beyond belief and I am really getting overwhelmed with it all. Not to mentioned that I changed the angle of my project slightly just before the lockdown, and I am starting this batch of the project pretty much from scratch.

If I ever get the PhD then I know that it will be a pity day for me rather than actually getting it on the merit. Does anyone else feel like this?

Honestly Smiths, a PhD is hard enough on the spirit without trying to crush yourself in the way you are doing.
You risk breaking yourself completely if you're not careful.
Apart from anything else, getting a PhD is not necessarily about being smart.
It sounds like you need a short holiday to recalibrate your thinking.

Yes, and sometimes things go as planned and it isn't necessarily your fault or because you aren't clever enough. Like maybe the whole topic area just isn't the right fit for you. There are so many possible reasons why things don't always go well / as you imagined they would. Echoing what others have said a break might do you good. Not that you'll necessarily come back and think it all looks great after all, but maybe just that you'll feel more refreshed, more confident, kinder to yourself, and ready to just see it through.

Your examiners won't pass you out of pity. They get to see (and they pass) a whole range of theses and it is true that some are better than others. I wasn't pleased with mine at all. But it helped me to remind myself that I am not my thesis and my thesis is not me... my thesis was the product of 3 years that didn't particularly go well on lots of levels (supervisor issues etc). But I salvaged something from it and passed in the end. Not sure if helps to share that or not. But anyway, good luck. You can do it!

It can be such a horrible and stressful time. A whinge and sharing about the hardships is needed sometimes! I still don't think you are stupid or incompetent - no matter what you say! But it's OK to realise that something isn't the right thing for you or you don't seem to be as good at it as others. I guess that's part of learning about ourselves. Hope you hang in there and manage to get it wrapped up in your planned time-frame.

First of all, well done for reaching out on here - you're *NEVER* alone.

Fact is, if you weren't "Smart Enough" to do a PhD, you wouldn't have got three years into it. Your university wants to be able to say that its students produce the best research, so if you weren't up to the task they'd have cut you short either on application or at your upgrade/confirmation/whatever your place calls it. So the fact you're three years in is an indication that they believe you can do it.

If they believe you can do it, then it's also in their best interests to help you as much as you need. So don't be afraid to reach out to your supervisors. And if you're unlucky enough to have supervisors that aren't attentive to your needs, then contact the doctoral college and see how else they can help. Reach out to other students. Other lecturers you get on with, even if they're not in your field.

I'm going into my last year and I've realised my research has had nothing to do with my original research aims! Massive panic! But no problem is insurmountable and, with my supervisors, I have a plan. I have another friend who was in EXACTLY the same situation - it's more common than you think.

Lastly, don't say you're just "whinging" while other people are "really struggling". There's a big difference between being worried about your PhD and saying your problems are more important than anyone else's. You're not in the latter camp, we know that. :)

Sending love.

I also wanna say that I think Research Assistants are great, I think they keep the labs going, are a great sense of knowledge and many times they do drive the research : ). I feel that I sounded really snobbish, so to all Research Assistants here, I love you people, you are one of the most helpful, knowledgable and kind people out there and we'd be lost without you! You are the 'nurses' and 'paramedics' of the science world! : )

UPDATE:

I know it has been a while since I have posted. When I created the first post I was in a lockdown mode, feeling very low and unmotivated. Thank you to all of you kind souls who have reached out with advice. I have passed my viva last month and I am over the moon. To cut the long story short - I came back to uni after months of being away. The last year was extremally challenging but I just ploughed ahead. It wasn't the best PhD and I was not the best but I was working hard enough to generate enough data to get a nice thesis in place. Writing was the hardest and every day was a struggle with my motivation. But I got through. It took me months to write but once that was in place I submitted and viva was actually quite nice.

So to everyone who struggles with motivation and depression and anxiety. Sometimes you just need to stick it out. It sucks, it is not your passion but sheer hard work will get you there. You are more clever than what you think. In my last year of PhD I actually got a bit better and finally stood on my own two feet a bit more (but still made stupid mistakes). Just shake yourself off and try again tomorrow and it will come.

Thank you all of you people. It takes a village to get a PhD!

Congratulations!